Does marriage really mean the end of a free life?

When male conversations revolve around marriages or more serious partnerships, the topic almost always brings a hint of doubt and fear as well. The questions relate to the feeling of ‘being trapped’ and the fact that in this case it is a relationship that is supposed to last ‘forever’. Women (with few exceptions) have no problem with this in principle, as engagement, marriage, and everything that promises eternal love awakens feelings of security. But this topic certainly raises important questions about interdependence and maintaining oneself in a relationship. Does marriage really mean being lost in a relationship, saying goodbye to freedom and a past life? By no means.

Marriage does bring a commitment of love, fidelity, support and respect, but by no means a loss of self – unless we are in a dysfunctional partnership. Clearly, if we want to be perfect and happy in a relationship, we still need to keep ourselves in it. Marriage means: me + you + us. If we over-submit to our partner and his or her lifestyle, suppressing our interests, neglecting our society and the things we used to love doing, then over time this will lead to dissatisfaction, conflict, or even breakup. Getting lost in the other means that we cease to ‘exist’ and change completely for the sake of the partner. When the children join in later and life turns upside down, this is exactly the point on the i that brings difficult conflicts, fatigue, exhaustion … maybe even divorce.

That is why the law should be understood as a community of two partners who have decided for each other, but are still trying to maintain themselves and support each other. Only in this way can they together contribute their precious and at the same time unique piece, which revives the law (relationship) and fills it with new energy over and over again. Only in this case can we talk about a balanced relationship.

What do we do when we realize that we are lost in marriage and that we are no longer what we once were? Despair over a relationship, divorce or persevere? We highlight some fundamental elements that help awaken or shape autonomy in a relationship.

► Be aware of who and what you are responsible for: You are responsible for yourself, that is a fact. You are not responsible for your partner, but you are responsible for treating him with respect, dignity, sincerity and a great deal of love. Is your partner responsible for your well-being and happiness? Not either. If you cannot find happiness and contentment in yourself, your partner will not be able to do it either. Avoid shifting the responsibility for happiness into his hands.

► Stay focused on your interests: If over time you have lost your sense of self and the things you once enjoyed, it’s time to start exploring what you like, inspires you and fills you with new energy. There is no need to feel guilty. Every individual should have activities in life that have a positive contribution to health and well-being.

► What are your needs? More importantly, you learn to satisfy them if your partner can’t. What do we have in mind? Needs can be social (socializing with friends), intellectual (reading, attending lectures, education….), Physical (physical activities, movement, sports, pampering …), mental in nature (visits by counselors, therapists….). If you feel like doing something without your partner wanting to be involved, then follow your wishes. There is no need to do everything together in a relationship. This way, you will feel stronger and more self-sufficient in the long run.

► Explore the boundaries between you: Partners who have problems with demarcations and interdependencies find it very difficult to determine where their partner begins and ends. Some feel they have become ‘one’, which can be a problem. “The same, we think, the same things we like. We don’t really need anything other than ‘us together.’ ”Such thinking is typical of the period of infatuation, but it no longer works. It is necessary to know one’s own role in the relationship and the role of the partner. What do you expect from yourself and what do you expect from him / her?

A successful and happy relationship can be formed by two individuals who accept the difference of each other and mutually enrich what they are and create together.