We only live one time
Don’t celebrate a break up. Don’t throw a party. Don’t put yourself back on the dating scene immediately. It’s not healthy, and forcing yourself to be social will not make you feel good. A break up isn’t a cause for celebration; it’s a time for reflecting on your successes and failures and for thinking about your next move in light of the new lessons you’ve learned. Obsessing over finding a rebound girl is massively detrimental to this process.
Another huge, huge rule is that you should always break up in person. Obviously there are some situations in which this will be completely impossible, but otherwise you must abide by this rule. Phone, email, Facebook, texts, instant messenger – none of these are appropriate ways to break up with someone. Not only is it impersonal, you won’t be able to control whether or not the woman feels accepted or denied if you’re not present.
A break up is a scary thing for a woman to go through, so you need to be there for her. Besides, the reason you’re in that situation in the first place is that you did not take charge during the relationship – at least have the courage to take responsibility during the break up. You also cannot afford to put a breakup off, if you know you need to do it. Just get it over with. Tell her you need to talk to her, set up a time, and do it. The longer you wait, the worse off you both will be. Don’t waste your time by staying with someone you know you don’t have a future with. Don’t waste her time by keeping her from meeting the man who is right for her.
Most of these rules apply to polyamorous relationships as well as monogamous relationships, though the effects of following them are usually less severe in polyamorous relationships because both partners understand from the beginning that the relationship is only temporary. Let’s talk a little bit about what causes a break up. It’s very easy to blame a break up on some things, but those are usually the things that you really shouldn’t place blame on! You might be inclined to blame it on yourself to make her feel better about the end of the relationship, or you might find yourself blaming her for everything to make yourself feel better. The truth is that it’s probably not entirely either person’s fault.
To make your future break ups just a tiny bit easier, here’s a list of 4 things you can blame a break up on, and 3 things you can never blame a break up on:
* You’re not perfect for each other.“ This is a perfectly acceptable thing to blame a break up on because it’s probably true. I generally say “As far as we know, we only live one time. And because of that, it would be stupid for either of us to settle for anything less than perfect. We know we’re not perfect for each other, but I think you’re phenomenal and the man who is perfect for you is a very lucky guy.” This is a conversation you want to have before you’re even considering breaking up with her, because seeding this idea early on in a relationship will make it easier to end the relationship later if something goes wrong. *
It’s not the right time for the two of you to be together.“ In my experience, this is the second largest relationship- destroyer (the first being ego). When you try to force a relationship that lacks logical attraction, you ruin any chance the relationship has to be successful in the future. You have to break things off if you know that the timing isn’t right. It’s not your fault it’s not the right time, and it’s not her fault it’s not the right time – you simply have to let her know that a relationship might work out in the future, but isn’t right for the two of you at the moment. *The relationship lacks emotional attraction or rapport.
Your relationship is based on superficial love if it is missing an emotional connection and isn’t polyamorous. Your job is to explain this to her in a way that she can easily understand. No, that does not mean creating a PowerPoint presentation about the consummate love triangle – whatever you say and do cannot feel impersonal and cold. Instead, let her know that the emotional attachment that you both need in an ideal relationship isn’t there, and won’t ever be there, because neither of you are willing to create it. Just be honest with her.
